The tools are immaterial, the resulting piece is what's most important.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Concern vs Phobia

I had a very heart-breaking conversation with J at the end of yesterday. It all happened because she did not answer her phone or even reply back for the entire day.
"In my context which is concern" why didn't she answered her phone or even have the courtesy to even reply though busy. "In her context, it is phobia". Because she thinks I would be bugging her like when we were couples. She still has that feeling that she must report or convey everything to me. I know what status are we at now and where that line is and in the first place that wasn’t my intention. It is only a concern. I can write all I want here but it is never gonna change for her. Her reason being it is because I used to do it. I mean, she could have just replied that she was busy and I would have let her off but she didn’t have the thoughts of doing so because she knew I would keep on questioning her. I have already kept things short and simple since we split up, trying not to take up so much of her time but for some reason I don’t know if she felt it but I can’t blame her if she doesn’t. Her point was simple, why should she drop everything that she is doing and answer my call in urgency when we are only now friends, nothing more? It is because she does that to all her friends when we were together. So, now it comes to priority line ups and karma is getting me back.

Sometimes I wish I could just pry open my heart and brain for her to actually see what is inside so she would stop guessing or relate everything back to past experience. This whole anti me-you feeling started last 2 days when I accidentally threw my tantrum at her while asking for her help. And after yesterday's conversation, I felt that very strong anger and hatred within her. She keeps on strongly emphasizing hard on drawing a clear line and asking me to let go and move on. The reason? So that she can move on too without worrying about me getting into selfish acts. I could strongly feel that something good has already happened for her that’s why she wants to move on. I could be wrong.

Why am I being so emotional? Should I be cold hearted and just forget about everything that is over? I wish I can have a "selective amnesia". If she can and already moving on, why not me? Probably I am the one on the losing end that is why it is hard for me to let go. But can I do it? Put yourself in my shoes, that when you feel something is not worth giving up, you will know how I feel. Maybe it’s because I have no one else in my life other than my family that is that close to me everyday for the past 10 years.

My social door has been closed for a very long time since I first met her. I think it’s time to unlock it again and put myself back to where I belong.

It’s like being in prison and now coming back into society where a whole new adjustment is needed to being able to social again. I will need to get used to it. I will work my way up and looking forward for open arms that will welcome me.



Jason Goh said...

Stop debugging on a faulty system, only make your life miserable.
Try erase it & come out a new one.
I know it takes times, take care. buddy.

Rustie said...

My dear friend,
Thank you so much for your concerns.


lefoose said...

time is the remedy my friend... take your time...

Rustie said...

Hey Wong,
Thanks. Time will tell.